mas si eht yoj ehtssenthgirbekili soooooo bad bad bad yet i am left to sort out and find what skin is left that any comfort can be found. Bowls roll and roll round bout line upon line and pokes, pens, needles are always about. Yet never can I figure a pound cake to be anything less than a pound. Speak in songs that send radio waves through to torment and amaze. You are so much more else I would embrace hate. You know who U are and U know who I am, the only difference is, I didn't pretend. I will NEVER pretend to be anything more than what I am, I ain't got time or energy to waste on bs. I'd rather sleep, eat, crap, or trash pick. I found myself like many moons ago, thinkin' if only I would do this..... change that.....fix this......why can't I .....I wish I....when I could see at last. Even if I were the thing you wish, satisfied you'd never be. Programed by what you think will make the others envy, only shows you haven't learned to pick out what U need. I may ... I do lack so many things. Class... charm...style...manners...the desire to be anything that fits in a box....I try to toss. I, we all are equal...all unique...all talented, and all weak. We all succeed, we all fail, we all love and we all hate. We will not...no matter how we try, how much we fake it, it is not possible to be anything but + & -, the only scale we should see is our own, because within us all =ity is soooo perfectly balanced. Like the fine day I discovered the only difference in one we like or don't like is how WE focus, when the words of one I wasn't so fond of spoke, I, me, rolled my eyes and thought mean things.....till I started to hear neutrally the words...hec. That was funny! If it were coming out my friend's mouth, but out of this chick....I just wanna kick. Why? simply because I don't like. I heard it said, the things you find in self disliked, are usually the things that make us dislike others. I have found it to be true. Therefore......Is it I disliking you? hmmm. I like you, I love you, I'm hurt.....and anger is the result of that. I haven't yet learned what to do up to a point. For the challenge, I am thankful, for the depths you took me. No doubt, that in my norm sphere. There would have been bloodshed, if not murder. I must be grateful, for never would I thought love, forgiveness, and calm I could find in a situation the could bring out the raging bull in me. Not sure now why I felt like getting on the intercom, as attention I normally would avoid. Perhaps the value I place in you, the plunges I'd take not caring about making a fool of me. Love, truth, real,straight UP! I ain't playin. Games used to be fun, till cheating was learned. Cheats,tricks, codes, short cuts....everyone is out to win. Guess we forgot games were intended for innocent fun. I ain't gonna play for I don't have nothing to gain, I find more joy in giving than I do takiing. There is that line too....one has to learn how to receive. I am learning...I have been humbled to the point of needing EVERYTHING and still blessed with the gift of my beloved buttwipes. I am so very greatful and nothing is taken for granite nowdays. I cherish each thing, though it hurts to think, what I have been graced with. I am nothing to receive so much love.... and sad to think about....if flipped upsidedown....Would I do so much for those or anyone? I sure hope so. Maybe my silence has boiled and this is my steam. Crispy critters and here's confession I lied yesterday. There is a reason, and I will justify till the end. But point is...I lied and I will own my lie. Haha. I said I couldn't read or write. Does it count for truth if I need spellcheck? It didn't say anything about typing and thinking and spelling.....sometimes I can't read my own writting and lots of times proof reading I don't even understand what I was trying to write. Mass.....I don't want to lie ...I try not to lie....for anything cept real and the lie is to self. Beautiful is the connections that sparks that twinkles inside, somedays I get sparks from all kinds of things and other days I'm going off the fumes of the sparks. Like mannah I suppose we cannot hoard, but collect just enough to get us through. After all that is enough don't you think? Are we through now? Always is forever and I can't change that, but to have this pouring out for you knowing it's a painful place, as hurts, wants,complete fullness of freedom to explore all the spaces you are. I cannot. For it is not mine. The space unexplored that I am not looking foward too for the conflicts and battles of energy and time I know and don't care to go. Does history always repeat itself? Or can my doubts and predictions perhaps add to the complications? Yet doesn't it feel as though we are the fooled when the same place, the same one, the same things you have seen before. Fooling me? NO! Yet what good is it to forgive and go on till that revolving door pops up again. Why can't I get out at half way...instead I always go full circle and find though, I wanted to forgive, I took step towards forgiveness, but I couldn't step out when half way in, I had to stay in just long enough....for what? Try again loser. I want this sooooooooooooooooo bad!. I will get this! I don't even like to fight, but I just...lost so much... been so humilated... so let down....so ashamed...so embarrassed....that to love you still, I sometimes only threads to hold onto. The most painful is to be looked in the eye, by one who says "i love you" and know by the feeling in your gut those  words are just words. For any pressure applied would crumble quickly. This...this...is where I am stuck. I cannot lean upon them, but love always trusts, love always hopes, love always believes, love never gives up, never ends...etc. So. I have learned painfully that though truth is a wonderful thing, there is a balance and there is a greater thing than even truth. Love. I pray, I seek, I ask, I crave wisdom, knowledge and understanding, for the wonderful gifts of keys, puzzles, circles complete, and labyrinths so awesomely beyond anything I could come up with on my own, and the understandings it brings...is never complete....it just grows and grows the more I think on these things. So how am I to take the wisdom that came with time, to take to gut that I've learned to lean upon and look into the eyes, take these words, take the gut feeling, take the gile and even take the thought of "I know you are lying but I love you enough to let it go" to the place of even knowing it to be a lie....to believe and trust always always always...is not even to acknowledge the lie at all. So love is greater too than wisdom...hmm than make me dumb.